I'm not there

My problem is escapism. I"m not there. A lack of appreciation for things, failure to see the beauty that is always present but is hidden to me, or maybe I ignore it or reject it. I see it every once and awhile but it doesn't sustain. It fades away and I'm left with this person that doesn't feel like myself, a shadow of myself. I look in the mirror and see a stranger, and so I am a stranger to others, closed off and uncomfortable. I will read this later as a stranger and throw it away because he has no time for problems. He is not there.

sappy poem in progress

I like country music and I've probably
been to more funerals than weddings

underneath it all

Underneath it all. I love that phrase. like underneath it all, what's really going on. Or underneath it all who is someone really. It implies that there is a lot of crap on the surface before you get to what's really going on or who someone really is. Underneath it all is like the basement. It's not the closet where you keep all your skeletons, it's the basement. It's not pretty, it's not as superficial and kept up as the living room, but it's cool and it's where you can play billiards or darts if you feel like it. In other words, our basements have a lot more in common than our living rooms. Basements can be a little scary, but just like Kevin in home alone realized, it's not so bad down there.  

the flu

I've had the flu lately. My temperature got up to 102.4 before I went to the doctor for some Tamiflu. Tamiflu helped me in the past and I'd say it's helping again. The weird thing about this flu is the nostalgia. You know how some people can only play billiards or darts well when they are drunk? Same thing is happening with this high fever, I'm remembering things from child hood. I used to love orange Sherbet ice cream as a child...then it passed, but right now I'm eating orange sherbet ice cream. Old nursery rhymes popped in my head like the Rinky dink some above. All kinds of stuff like that. I started to crave child hood cereals so I went out and bought one of those fun packs with all different little boxes of fruit loops, frosted flakes, etc, it was a good move. The worst part of this flu is the body aches. There was one night were I was, for lack of a better expression, riving in pain, and I was vocal about it all night. Something good about it that I feel is that it's like I went to a different place in my head for awhile, sort of like a vacation. Even at the gym I can't zone out for a second without someone calling me out, even though I'm not training with that person at all. Just the other day I was zoning out, I was escaping, at the gym, it felt great, and then "that guy" called out "dude! you are in the deepest stare". Yeah, I was, and it felt great, I almost got away for a second. This was the same guy that called me a goon when I grew a mustache for a day. My point is that although the flu really sucked, it was kind of nice to escape, and today I'm feeling a little better and I actually got some stuff done that I was neglecting. Maybe that's what I need, a little escape every now and then so I can come back with a better perspective. Maybe growing a mustache is a short escape from looking like myself for a little while, a mask. Too bad people have to call me out for it. Same with the zoning out, "dude he's escaping!". I always have to get called out. I'm getting negative now. I just want to get my degree in the mail for a confidence boost. That will make all the work I put in real, bring it to life.

A pretzel of a paradox

while I was home I had a conversation with my younger brother. He was telling me how I can't take people literally and can't let what people say affect me. At the same time he was telling me to disregard what people thought he was telling me to care way more about what people thought, it was a pretzel of a paradox. Basically he had figured out chimpanzee culture somewhat by being a very social guy and he was giving me some insight into it. It's complex and he agreed. Last time I was home he was giving me suggestions how I should cut my hair and shave my facial hair, hinting that I would fit in better. At the same time I called out one of his friends who has a long beard. As it so happens the guy with the long beard has lots of friends and is funny, he's also overweight. But his family is connected to many other families and he was on the football team in high school that went to the playoffs, etc, etc. So you can do what you want with your appearance as long as you hold a certain status, otherwise it's to risky. confused? So basically I would have to work my way up the hierarchy before I could actually look, do, and say what I want. it's complicated. this is chimpanzee culture. It's the basic social stuff we take for granted and if you anaylize it you see how rediculous it is. It's like status and politics of social culture are based on a big equation. Basically the friend I was referring to could wear a beard because he had a personality,status, alpha status to make up for it. It's all one big equation. A big equation that I don't get. I was raised by liberals who told me to be myself and be individual, do your own thing, that we can all be different and get along, but it's way more complicated than that apparently. My brother was giving me a peak inside a window of a world that I am oblivious to.

End of my rope

The title is a phrase that my parents used to say when I was younger and I can relate to it. It's a phrase that brings up images of someone dangling from a cliff by a rope and they are at the end of it. They don't have any strength left and they are about to loose control. Maybe they are only hanging on by one hand, maybe their fingers are starting to slip, and it's only a matter of time before they have nothing to cling onto anymore. When my parents said this it basically meant that they were close to loosing control and to beware of the consequences if I chose to push or test them. When they said that phrase it was known to keep your distance from them. I find myself at the end of my own rope and often wonder how I got that far down the rope. I mean, it always seems like just yesterday I was at the top of the rope just about to pull myself up off the cliff. I suppose life is all about hanging onto the rope, and even letting go of the rope now and then. This is a depressing topic, but I don't care. It's late December, it's below zero outside, it's dark, and these are the things I think about when I'm down in the rabbit hole. That's what happens when you let go of the rope, you fall down into the rabbit hole.

What's up with me?

I went out and drank socially last night for the first time in probably two years. I drank a bunch of Heineken and a few Jameson whiskey's. Jameson is the second Irish Whiskey I've tried this year, the other one was Wolfhound, both by me taste of candy apple. Is that typical of Irish whiskey's? I cut my hair. I'm not happy about this but who cares. Yes, I regret it, but maybe I needed a change. Obviously a part of me wanted a change. My grandfather died at the age of 84, I just got back from the funeral yesterday. My grandpa lived a good and long life but his death hit me a little harder considering that his daughter, my aunt, my mother's sister, also passed away this summer in a motorcycle/automobile collision. Her and my uncle were on the motorcycle. She died, he lived. It was good to see him at the funeral. He could have lost his legs but I saw him walking around well. I'm taking two weeks off from Weightlifting to focus on finals and graduation. I've still been coaching my student James. James is currently on a sort of off season program of pulls and squats. He tweaked his wrist on a clean a couple weeks back. He's done some pulls and powers and in the end I think his pull will be much sharper once his wrist comes around. He's been doing some back squats also. I'm big on Bulgarian type of programming but I'm starting to think that there is room for other things. Yes, snatch and clean and jerk should be the meat and potatoes, but there's nothing wrong with throwing in the veggies in there as well. Snatch, Clean and Jerk, Power snatch, Power clean, front squat, back squat, snatch pull, clean pull. (That's the meat, potatoes, and veggies right there) Some other exercises that I think will help me with my deficient overhead position include: Jerk Recoveries, BTN overhead exercises, dips (for some reason this help my crappy elbow, I also read that Oscar Chaplin used to do these). Also, I like the pull to the hip exercise, making sure to stay over the bar. Like John Drewes said, In powerlifting the lift is over at the hip, In weightlifting things are just getting started at the hip. I tried out some Romanian deadlifts but honestly It doesn't seem specific enough, you're never over the bar that soon in the pull (below the knee).