I'm not there

My problem is escapism. I"m not there. A lack of appreciation for things, failure to see the beauty that is always present but is hidden to me, or maybe I ignore it or reject it. I see it every once and awhile but it doesn't sustain. It fades away and I'm left with this person that doesn't feel like myself, a shadow of myself. I look in the mirror and see a stranger, and so I am a stranger to others, closed off and uncomfortable. I will read this later as a stranger and throw it away because he has no time for problems. He is not there.