I'm not there

My problem is escapism. I"m not there. A lack of appreciation for things, failure to see the beauty that is always present but is hidden to me, or maybe I ignore it or reject it. I see it every once and awhile but it doesn't sustain. It fades away and I'm left with this person that doesn't feel like myself, a shadow of myself. I look in the mirror and see a stranger, and so I am a stranger to others, closed off and uncomfortable. I will read this later as a stranger and throw it away because he has no time for problems. He is not there.

sappy poem in progress

I like country music and I've probably
been to more funerals than weddings

underneath it all

Underneath it all. I love that phrase. like underneath it all, what's really going on. Or underneath it all who is someone really. It implies that there is a lot of crap on the surface before you get to what's really going on or who someone really is. Underneath it all is like the basement. It's not the closet where you keep all your skeletons, it's the basement. It's not pretty, it's not as superficial and kept up as the living room, but it's cool and it's where you can play billiards or darts if you feel like it. In other words, our basements have a lot more in common than our living rooms. Basements can be a little scary, but just like Kevin in home alone realized, it's not so bad down there.  

the flu

I've had the flu lately. My temperature got up to 102.4 before I went to the doctor for some Tamiflu. Tamiflu helped me in the past and I'd say it's helping again. The weird thing about this flu is the nostalgia. You know how some people can only play billiards or darts well when they are drunk? Same thing is happening with this high fever, I'm remembering things from child hood. I used to love orange Sherbet ice cream as a child...then it passed, but right now I'm eating orange sherbet ice cream. Old nursery rhymes popped in my head like the Rinky dink some above. All kinds of stuff like that. I started to crave child hood cereals so I went out and bought one of those fun packs with all different little boxes of fruit loops, frosted flakes, etc, it was a good move. The worst part of this flu is the body aches. There was one night were I was, for lack of a better expression, riving in pain, and I was vocal about it all night. Something good about it that I feel is that it's like I went to a different place in my head for awhile, sort of like a vacation. Even at the gym I can't zone out for a second without someone calling me out, even though I'm not training with that person at all. Just the other day I was zoning out, I was escaping, at the gym, it felt great, and then "that guy" called out "dude! you are in the deepest stare". Yeah, I was, and it felt great, I almost got away for a second. This was the same guy that called me a goon when I grew a mustache for a day. My point is that although the flu really sucked, it was kind of nice to escape, and today I'm feeling a little better and I actually got some stuff done that I was neglecting. Maybe that's what I need, a little escape every now and then so I can come back with a better perspective. Maybe growing a mustache is a short escape from looking like myself for a little while, a mask. Too bad people have to call me out for it. Same with the zoning out, "dude he's escaping!". I always have to get called out. I'm getting negative now. I just want to get my degree in the mail for a confidence boost. That will make all the work I put in real, bring it to life.